So I come back from the All-Star Game in San Francisco, and guesswhat's gone?
Cicadas.
Every last one of the horde -- dead, worm food, mulch. Fromnatural causes. Many were recycled through my dog's stomach, I mightadd.
For all of you who wrote in a few weeks ago angrily decrying mypassion for 'cicada baseball,' wherein the bug becomes the ball --wildly uncontrollable, with a break at the end that is sick --please relax.
My children, to whom I taught the game, are not damaged from theexperience. They still know the difference between an occasional bugsplat and dogfighting at Michael Vick's.
Me, I promise never to hurl a cicada again.
For 17 years.
- Mark Cuban's hat is now officially in that Cub buyers' ring.
Pitcher Carlos Zambrano says he'd enjoy playing for an owner likeCuban.
'He don't like to loss,' Big Z said Friday. 'I don't like toloss. I could be fine by him.'
Me, I like Cuban just fine. I like the fact you can e-mail himand he will e-mail you back, no matter how lowly a creature you are.
I also like that before he got married he had a virtuallyunfurnished mansion in Dallas, through which he used to roller-blade.
I further like the fact he offered to let Dennis Rodman move inwith him, or something like that, if he came to the Mavericks, orsomething like that.
I also like the fact he had the shrewdness to sell Broadcast.comto Yahoo for billions just before the tech meltdown of the early2000s, after which Broadcast.com might have been worth peanuts
But here's what I don't like.
Cuban lives in Dallas, and the Cubs live in Wrigleyville.
As much as he hates 'to loss,' as much as we all hate 'to loss,'what does that mean?
How many NBA titles have the Mavs won under Cuban's direction?
I remember asking him a few years back when it would be prudentfor a bruised investor to get back into the stock market.
'Never,' he said.
'You mean, like, never?' I asked.
'Never.'
Gee, Apple stock has done OK.
And Halliburton.
Yes, Cuban screams at refs, and he wears his team's jersey, andhe routinely gets fined by NBA commissioner David Stern for hisoutbursts, but what does that mean? Do you want the whiniest kid atthe playground running your sandlot team? His second team?
But here's the thing that truly blows my mind, makes me as leeryof Cuban as any wannabe sports rich guy with more dollars thansense: He had Steve Nash as his point guard, and he got rid of him.
Steve Nash.
That, in my opinion, rivals the old Tribune owners losing GregMaddux. And don't we all agree the old owners were morons?
- Good God, David Beckham and his stick-figure wife have come toAmerica to save us from football, basketball, baseball, golf,tennis, darts, hot-dog-eating, and every other competitive sport weenjoy.
'WELCOME TO L.A., DAVID BECKHAM,' says the cover of this week'sSports Illustrated, with the sub-head, 'Will He Change the Fate ofAmerican Soccer?'
I mean, why should he?
Beckham may have Hollywood looks and an ever-changing hairdo anda five-year, $32.5 million deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy, butwhat does any of that mean to a sport that fits in with the Americandemand for scoring, on-field stardom, hand usage and violence aboutas well as a spoon in a chainsaw drawer?
In soccer all you have to do is kick the ball 50 yards away fromsomebody to negate his importance, and scoring a goal every thirdgame is considered an offensive onslaught for one man.
'My family has now moved to Los Angeles, something we're lookingforward to ... and in our life everything's perfect,' Beckham saidwhen introduced to the hometown crowd in mighty Carson, Calif. 'So,on to my new challenge.'
'Everything's perfect' should be a huge clue right there. What isthis guy, a Stepford Husband?
I think he should sit down with Scary -- I mean, Posh -- Spice,his blank-faced, bony wife, and say, 'Let's eat a sandwich, luv.'
Victoria Beckham -- talent-less, aging, starving, falcon-eyed,driven to be something -- literally terrifies me. I would rather belocked in a dark room with Ronald McDonald.
These two English people are way too eager to be creatures wedon't need in this country, more gossip-column celebrities without abrain cell between them.
And as to saving soccer?
Beckham is a heartthrob, I guess, for young girls, 'Bend It LikeBeckham' fans and Us magazine readers. Sort of a solo dude fromMenudo.
But for the rest of us?
Soccer is fine every four years at World Cup time.
This is about the 50th time soccer was going to 'explode' in theUSA. Remember Pele and Freddy Adu?
I say nil-nil to the new two.
- The Oklahoma football team must forfeit all nine of its winsfrom the 2005 season, including its win over Oregon in the HolidayBowl. This is because the Sooners used a couple of players who hadbeen paid for work they had not performed at a Norman cardealership.
That made them no different from a lot of car salesmen, but tothe NCAA it's a no-no.
The dumbest thing is, you can't really un-do a sports win orloss.
The players know what happened, how they felt, what they gainedor lost right then on the field or court.
So you add a 'W' to your record and years down the road a littlekid asks, 'How bad did you beat Oklahoma, Grandpa?' And you can say,'Well, l'il Billy, we didn't, really. Not by the score, anyway.'
And you can watch the kid's eyeballs roll around and see him backaway, and you can say to yourself as you continue rocking, alone onthe porch, 'Dang, what a world we got here.'
